How to De-Escalate an Upset Person

Key takeaways:

• Deeper emotional needs are often at the core of why a person is upset, not a personal attack.
• Ask the person you’re talking to, “What’s important to you about this?” It can shift the energy and soften their response, so you both feel understood.
• Stay curious about your own intentions. Are you more concerned about being right and proving your point, or understanding?

For many of us, our first instinct when someone is upset with us is to defend ourselves and explain our side.

We may walk through our reasoning, timeline, and the results, hoping things will calm down. But often, when we’re caught in a cycle of explaining our side, conflict escalates.

If you want to de-escalate an upset person, you have to pause and be curious about the need beneath the complaint.

This article will help you do just that: get curious, get out of the defensive cycle, and start finding solutions.

Lengthy explanations don’t work

When people are frustrated, they’re not in the best place to hear WHY you did what you did. Your timeline, policies, and reasoning, while important, won’t help in a moment of tension. In fact, they may sound like you’re brushing off their concerns and respond with their own explanation.

Before long, you’re going in circles trying to each prove a point.

Frontline workers are especially susceptible to this pattern. A Perceptyx survey of more than 21,000 frontline employees in healthcare, food service, education, retail, and transportation found that 53% of respondents reported verbal abuse or threats in the previous six months.

When a client or coworker is upset, we tend to zero in on their emotions. We perceive them as threatening and react to that first.

That means you’re reacting emotionally to their emotions—and the real issues aren’t being addressed.

How people react to each other often dictates how a conversation will go: escalate or de-escalate. Reacting emotionally to their emotions keeps you stuck and makes it more difficult to de-escalate an upset person, yourself, and the situation.

Look past the complaint to find the need

A complaint tells you what someone wants. A need tells you why they want it.

Let’s say you have a client who is upset about a delayed project. On the surface, their complaint is about time management, but the actual need may be quite important. Maybe they need the project to share with other stakeholders or secure funding. It’s less about being upset with you and your team, and more about their concerns over funding or other clients. And that matters.

Once you understand the root of their frustration, you can respond with more grace and stop guessing about what they need.

Ask questions, be curious, and invite the other person into a conversation. Often, people respond openly when they feel it’s safe to do so. Their answers give you a path to understanding them while still respecting your boundaries.

Quick tips to de-escalate an upset person

Next time you’re in the middle of a tough conversation, try these helpful tips to de-escalate an upset person:

• Stop the circular argument. If you keep explaining the same thing over and over again, and the tension keeps rising, more explaining won’t help. Notice the loop you’re in and change course.
• Ask what matters to them. Instead of defending your position, get curious about the root cause of their frustration. Ask: “What’s important to you about this?” or “Help me understand what this means to you.”
• Shift your focus from their behavior to their need. You can tell someone is upset by their tone and body language, but they may not tell you WHY. While it’s understandable you may not like their behavior, stay curious about the need separate from their behavior.
• Name what you heard. Reflect their words to them, and ask if you understood them correctly. This helps them feel heard and helps you to understand.
• Take ownership where you can. If they’re frustrated by something you said or did, acknowledge their frustration. If applicable, share how you can improve and apologize. Humility goes a long way in diffusing tension and collaborating with others.

Acknowledge the need before you explain

These tips don’t mean you should never share your perspective. But how you share it and when matters.

When someone is really upset, acknowledge their feelings first, even if you don’t totally agree. It gives you time to process before reacting, and validates their feelings.

Be careful of saying phrases like “That’s just our policy,” or “There’s nothing I can do.” Those may be accurate statements, but they close the door on their feelings. To de-escalate an upset person, share what you understand before you explain what you can and can’t do.

Once someone feels validated, they often calm down. This opens the door to share your perspective.

Remember that some people may need more time to process after a conflict. Consider scheduling a time to revisit the conversation when everyone is calmer.

Learn to de-escalate with confidence

Whether you work in healthcare, at a school, at home, or in food service, you’ll face moments like these.
De-escalating an upset person doesn’t come naturally to most of us, but practicing will prepare you for the tough moments.

In years of training workplace leaders, Communicate to De-escalate has become one of our most requested trainings. Why? Because so many of you face polarizing conversations every day—and they don’t seem to be getting easier!

No matter how challenging situations seem, we believe every tough conversation offers opportunities to build bridges and solve problems. Our training team is here to help you find those solutions and build your communication toolbox. Check out our available workshops or contact us today to learn more!