How to De-Escalate Conflict Using Communication Styles

Key takeaways:

• Conflict usually escalates because of how people respond, not because of the original incident.
• A different communication style can be misread as someone having malicious intent.
• You can de-escalate conflict by acknowledging your different communication styles and slowing down your response.

We’ve all experienced conflict, whether at work, at home, or even with strangers. Regardless of where conflict takes place, the people involved typically have very different perspectives on what occurred.

When that triggering moment occurs, the reactions and responses begin, and that’s when things start to escalate. You see it one way; they see it another. Defenses go up, and we default to our communication styles in conflict, which may be very different than the other person’s, and this can lead to misunderstandings.

 

If you’re struggling to figure out how to de-escalate conflict at work, this article is for you!

Why misreading someone’s communication style escalates conflict

Every conflict has a surface level (the incident or triggering event) and a response level (how people react and what they say). The incident that triggers conflict can be minor or serious, but it doesn’t take much to escalate. What really determines how a conflict de-escalates or escalates is people’s reactions to each other.

Here’s an example: your co-worker gets really quiet after a tense meeting. If your instinct is to talk everything through right away, their silence can feel like avoidance or a passive-aggressive communication style. However, they may just be processing before responding, not trying to upset you more or avoid you.

Of course, this can go the other way. You may be the one taking time to process, while the other person wants to talk it out.

Either way, the escalation of conflict isn’t about what happened. It’s about misunderstanding the response. When someone doesn’t respond the way you expect, you can read it as something they’re doing wrong, or take it personally. And if either person is misunderstanding communication styles, a little disagreement can turn into a full-blown conflict.

If you pause to consider your response and how the other person communicates, you may de-escalate conflict at work and elsewhere, and that all starts with self-awareness.

Self-awareness: the first step to de-escalating conflict at work

Most good relationship advice (including work relationships) starts with self-awareness. It’s difficult to really understand someone else’s communication style in conflict if we don’t even know our own.

Here are some tips to help you be more self-aware before that next tough conversation:

• Notice how you respond when conflict arises. Do you need time to process? Do you respond immediately? Do you ask questions? Do you feel worried or scared? Answering these questions will give you clarity on your own patterns, so you can better understand how they may impact the conversation and others involved.
• Notice your biases about what a “reasonable” response should sound like. Do you expect others to respond just like you? Do you assume silence=anger or judgment? Your personal experiences or patterns may influence your assumptions about how people respond.

Not sure what your style is? Take this quiz to find out!

4 tips for de-escalating conflict based on communication styles

Once you understand your communication style in conflict, and other people’s, you can begin making small shifts that can keep things from escalating further:

1. Pause before you assign a motive. Ask yourself whether you’re reacting to what the other person did, or to their response, which is different than yours.
2. Name the difference out loud, calmly. A simple line like “I think there may have been a miscommunication. Can we talk about it?” reframes the moment as a style mismatch instead of a personal attack.
3. Notice your tone of voice. When you do respond, be aware of your tone. For example, a person with an indirect communication style may withdraw more if you respond with a direct, abrasive tone. You may not feel that way when people are direct with you, but if they do, it can escalate or even derail the conversation. Try softening your tone to show you’re receptive to their perspective.
4. Ask instead of assuming. If you’re not sure what they mean, or they’re quiet and not responding, ask a question, like “How did you feel about that meeting?” without immediately responding. Give them space to share their feelings and respond with curiosity instead of criticism.

Put your knowledge into practice

The goal of knowing communication styles isn’t to change your personality or style, or anyone else’s. It’s about understanding to improve communication and conflict resolution.

We all know that conflict at work is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be disastrous. In fact, we believe conflict is an opportunity to grow and be even more productive. The more you understand your communication style in conflict and are aware of others’, the better you’ll be at de-escalation and resolving conflict.

At NCRC, we love helping people understand themselves and how communication styles impact the workplace. If your team needs a little refresher on communication strategies and styles, we’ve got you covered. Connect with our training team today to learn more about our workshops for professionals!