What to Say in Conflict: How to Adapt Your Words to Different Communication Styles

Key takeaways:

• Communication styles affect how people perceive conflict.
• Direct communicators want to discuss immediately, while indirect communicators want time to process.
• Change the direction of a conversation by naming your feelings, stating what you need, and suggesting a next step.

Have you ever had something like this happen: You’re meeting with a co-worker, and you have a disagreement on something. Tension rises, and one of you is very direct with their feelings, and the other goes quiet.

If you’ve been there, you know it’s easy to make assumptions about the other person’s response. If you’re a more direct communicator, you want someone to mirror that back. If you’re a more indirect communicator, you probably need time to process your feelings.

Neither communication style in conflict is “bad.” But the outcome can be less than ideal if you don’t understand the other’s style, or your own.

Thankfully, a few small changes to how you respond to conflict can be the difference between escalation and resolution.

Keep reading for actionable tips and phrases to use in conflict at work!

Why do words land differently with different people?

In our post on direct vs. indirect communication, we talked about how each style shows up at work. Direct communicators tend to say what they mean and want to resolve issues quickly. Indirect communicators need time to process and tend to soften concerns to protect the relationship.

Neither style is right or wrong. But when you’re stressed, you probably default to what feels natural and familiar. That can clash with what the other person needs.

A direct communicator may hear your silence as dismissal, and an indirect communicator may hear your urgency as pressure. Understanding communication styles in conflict helps you predict how your words will land.

You can approach tough conversations with more confidence when you understand other people’s communication styles: tailor responses to align more with their style and take their response less personally.

What to say in conflict with a direct communicator

Direct communicators want to know where things stand. When you shut down, walk away, or go quiet without explanation, they often assume you don’t care or that you’re avoiding the issue. You can still take the time you need. Just tell them what’s happening and set a time to discuss later.

Here are a few examples of how an indirect communicator can communicate with a direct communicator:

• Instead of saying “Never mind” and leaving the conversation, try: “I’m having a hard time talking about this right now. Can we revisit it later?” To make it even clearer, add a specific time, like “Can we pick this up after lunch?”
• Instead of going silent, say: “I just need a moment to process.” That tells a direct communicator you’re still engaged, so they don’t assume what you’re feeling.

What to say in conflict with an indirect communicator

Indirect communicators care deeply about the relationship. A direct tone can feel like blame or pressure. This makes them pull back. If they feel cornered, they may agree to end the conversation to avoid conflict, and you never get to a real resolution. Your goal is to make it safe for them to share what they think.

Here are a few examples:

• Instead of “I need to talk about this now,” try: “This is really important to me. Can we set a time to talk about this later?” You still signal that the issue matters, while respecting their need to process.
• Instead of “I don’t understand why you did this,” try: “I’m feeling frustrated, and I’d like to talk about this together.” The first version sounds like an accusation, and an indirect communicator may withdraw before you get to your point. The second version expresses your feelings and invites them into the conversation.

A simple approach to communicating in conflict

Learning how to communicate with different communication styles takes practice. If you don’t know someone’s style, you’ll keep communicating in your style hoping for a different result. But it likely will only escalate misunderstanding and conflict.

Try this formula for approaching conflict in the workplace:

1. Name how you feel. “I’m upset,” or “I’m having a hard time with this.”
2. Say what you need. “I need a moment to process,” or “I’d like to explain why.”
3. Suggest a next step. “Can we revisit it later?” or “Let’s get some time on the calendar.”

This pattern gives direct communicators the clarity they want and gives indirect communicators the time and respect they need. It also helps you de-escalate tense moments, so they don’t become bigger issues.

Find out your communication style in conflict

Do these scenarios sound familiar? Maybe you’ve said “forget it” more times than you’d like to admit, or you’ve been on the receiving end of the silent treatment. Either way, knowing your communication style in conflict is the first step to better conflict resolution at work.

Take our conflict style quiz and find out your style before your next tough conversation.

Get more conflict communication tips on our Free Resources for workplace leaders page. Interested in a customized training for your team? Connect with our expert trainers to learn more!